Healthy Relationships
Deeply ingrained in human nature, the desire to control our destiny occurs in everyone’s life, with varying degree and intensity. Not only do we want to control our life, sometimes we also want to control the behaviours of others. After all, control over others is power. Unfortunately, it’s very easy to abuse this power and domination over others.
Some people mistake the control over one’s own destiny and the destiny of others as being a necessary condition for ensuring their happiness and contentment. These people tend to be control freaks. They want to control everything, and in so doing they drive you crazy. They can be an overbearing father, an overprotective mother, an autocratic boss, a manipulative friend, or a jealous spouse. These are people who want to change you and your behaviours. They want to tell you what to do, and if they could they would run your lives. Their ego plays brilliantly on their fundamental fear of losing control, and of the unknown. They will use intimidation, manipulation, reason and logic, and emotional exploitation to try to persuade you to do things their way.
On the other extreme, there are people who hate confrontation to such a point that they always give in to others. These people tend to be treated accommodating doormats with other people walking all over them. They can be shy people, followers, colleagues without any initiative, abused spouses, yes-men, people who cannot decide for themselves. These are people who will do what they are told whether they like it or not. They tend to let others impose their will on them because they hate confrontation, have low self-worth and self-confidence, have no initiative, are laissez-faire type of people.
Under normal circumstances, most of us are somewhere in the middle of these two extremes. When we interact with others we like that our relationship follow a certain path. We are not comfortable being with people whose behaviours are unpredictable, irrational or puzzling to us. Sometimes we want to the leaders, and at other times we are quite happy to follow others. Regardless, we all have a certain amount of control on others and ourselves.
People’s behaviour is fundamentally selfish in nature. We are all looking after our self interest. And it is no different in the realm of personal relationships. Even when we act benevolently toward others, most of the time we don’t do it out of altruism. We do so in the expectation of being recognized and rewarded by some reciprocal act of kindness in the future. It’s like having a deposit account where we are depositing favours, and acts of kindness. In times of needs, we expect that we can call on the past beneficiaries, and successfully draw from that deposit account.
Let’s take, for example, the maxim, “Honesty is the best policy” in a relationship context. Many people can honestly say to spouses that they have never been unfaithful to them. However, how many of them have really had the opportunity of having an affair or a one night stand, but have genuinely refuse the offer. How many of them would engage in sexual activities with other partners if they were sure that they would not be caught? How many of them are not tempted because they are scared of sexually transmitted diseases like aids and venereal diseases? The controlling factors for fidelity are not necessarily love, respect and loyalty to their spouses, but rather a combination of other factors as described above.
We have the tendency of trying to influence others so that they will see things from our point of view. Everything is fine when people agree with us, and when our values and beliefs systems coincide. Once there is difference of opinions and conflicts, the relationship is in distress. It’s much more difficult to have the habit of putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes. To have healthy interactions, we need to develop relationships based on mutual love and trust. When there is disagreement, try to find a win-win solution.
You need to learn when to combat the control that others want to impose on you, and when to accommodate them to create respectful and trustful relationships. Don’t let someone’s else controlling behaviour dictate how you live your life. Take control of your life and relationship. Be assertive and don’t let control freaks dominate or victimize you. Be flexible, think in terms of preference rather than in terms of must have or must be like that.
Most human relationships consist of people interacting mentally and emotionally with each other. Healthy human relationships need commitment, caring, compatibility, communication and compromise. You need to give up the illusion of control. You certainly need to have a positive mental attitude and a healthy self-esteem. No relationship can thrive without you being in touch with your inner self and having a relationship with God. When all is said and done, everything in life that truly matters can be boiled down to meaningful and fulfilling relationships. Life is a series of relationships; the rest is just the mechanics of life.
Check out my books and seminars in my website: http://www.kintue-fee.com/
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Living on purpose
SEEK AND YOU SHALL FIND
Some of us think of our purpose in life at some point during our lifetime. Were we born for a purpose? What should we make of the rest of our life? Do we have an ongoing direction to follow which gives a sense of meaning to our life? What does our life mean? If you are asking these questions, you have embarked on the longest journey you have ever taken - the journey to find yourself. Many wise men and women have attempted to share their thoughts and beliefs on the meaning of life. Our souls are hungry for meaning. We want to live purposefully so that our sphere of influence will be at least a little bit better for our having passed through it. Most of us want to live so that our lives will mean something more than a brief flash of biological existence soon to disappear forever. We want to believe that we were born for something and that we are here to make a contribution. With the increasing demands made on us by ourselves and our environment, we tend to become so wrapped up in our different roles, responsibilities, labels and names that we don't make time to find out who we really are and what is our purpose.
It is good to examine our life, its meaning and purpose. I believe one will never know for certain one's true and real purpose in life and the meaning of one's existence on earth even if one analyzes oneself to death. The most we can expect is to be able to find some of the pieces of the puzzle which is the mystery of life. A purpose is an ongoing aspiration which gives meaning, direction, definition and fulfillment to our lives. What we are really living for could be simply to become the best we can in our journey through life. Each one of us brings our own meaning to the experience of life. Some people have great aspirations based on their values, principles and beliefs. They want to find fulfillment and happiness, to bring peace and harmony, to help others and to save the environment. Others want to convert people to their religion or to be of service to others. Yet others want to have wealth, power and fame by influencing and leading people, companies or even countries. There are many people whose purpose in life is the pursuit of success in its many forms: by climbing the social ladder; material wealth; business, professional or artistic accomplishments; good health; fulfilling relationships or by helping others. As an individual, you should seek within yourself what you think your primary purpose should be in your lifetime. You should know precisely what your major aim in life is. Your purpose in life may simply be to discover and experience the real you. Only you can answer how you want to live and who you want to become. Your values and beliefs establish your sense of purpose and influence the important choices you make about how to live your life.
Most of us follow the prevalent values and beliefs of our family, society, community, and environment without assessing and clarifying our own. Chances are you don't consciously think about your own values and beliefs. To get in touch with what matters most to you, I suggest you try the following exercise. You may want to add some supplementary questions that are meaningful to you.
Exercise No. 2:
To get in touch with what matters most to you, take time to consider these questions:
What are the most important things in your life?
What are your greatest strengths?
What are your best qualities?
What are the activities you enjoy most?
What are the values you cherish the most?
What are your dreams for the future?
For each of the questions above, go through your list of answers to identify the top five.
Now let your imagination create your dream life. What are the prominent values reflected in it? Imagine that you have a magic wand that will allow you to do any thing you want, what would you choose to do? What could you do for the rest of your life that would encompass most of the above?
These questions and mental exercises are very useful in focusing on what matters most to you. Dedicate yourself to the process of finding out who you are, what you want in life, and act on it. This introspection is the most important step toward self-actualization. Like many successful and effective people you probably aspire to live a fulfilled, happy and purposeful life. You may want to share your talents, knowledge and time with others in order to make the world a better place for all to enjoy. The search for your very own purpose should be based on the premise that you love and respect yourself and others and that you aspire to do something worthwhile, to make this world a better place.
Imagine you are going for a two week holiday in a new place you have never been. You certainly have a good idea of the purpose of your vacation. You will probably gather as much information about this place and read the material well in advance. You will get road maps, plan your routes and places of interest to visit, make a list of things to bring so as not to be caught unprepared. You probably have a very good idea what you want to do when you get there. However, if things are not as you expected you make the necessary changes and arrangements to make your holidays as pleasant as possible. A lot of people put more thought in planning a two week vacation than in planning their life journey. In fact most of us proceed through our lives without a map, destination and purpose. It is no wonder that so many people get lost, wonder where they are heading and complain about their lack of achievement in life. This does not make any sense because we all can develop our unique life plan to make it as fulfilling and as enjoyable as possible.
My father's purpose in life was to give his children access to the best education he could afford, to teach them to love and respect themselves and their fellow human beings, and to be honest and responsible. He tried to extend to everybody all the respect, understanding and kindness he could muster. He always let his actions speak for him. His purpose was to provide for his family. He did it by working very hard, always going the extra mile because he believed that hard work would always be rewarded sooner or later. Even when he went through hardship, he knew what he had to do and he stuck to his principles for guidance. My mother had a somewhat similar purpose with one important consideration. She put a lot more emphasis on human emotion, compassion and peace of mind. She taught me about honesty, courtesy, humility, forgiveness and courage, and how to take good care of my health. One of her main goals was to nurture her children so that they could be content, happy and in harmony with their own lives. A large number of the principles described in this book originate from my early teaching and nurturing I received from my parents.
My purpose in life is highly influenced by both my parents' values and principles but like yours it is unique and tailor-made by me. Each of us has our own destiny to fulfill. My father's first and foremost consideration was for his family. He was a shopkeeper and worked very hard and long hours for the benefit of the family. In his particular situation, he strongly believed in his action plan and that it was the right thing to do. I happen to believe that one should consider oneself first. One should learn to love and respect oneself before one can share the experience with others. I believe in living the days gifted to me gratefully with purpose, a positive attitude and healthy self-esteem.
My ultimate purpose in life is to become my best by fulfilling my potential. I realize that the extent of one's full potential is never absolutely known and is not something that one can measure. In an attempt to reach our potential we have to be aware of the issues that are important to us, our priorities and values. We have to be careful not to put unnecessary pressure and stress on ourselves by constantly striving and going all-out to become our best. We are not measuring ourselves against any standard or comparing ourselves with others. Becoming my best means to be willing to explore all avenues to improve myself, to love and to be loved, to learn and to teach, to give and to receive, to understand and to be understood. The study of the principles of personal management and development and my writing about them give me a great feeling of accomplishment, fulfillment and purpose.
We all have a choice in what we create and visualize in our minds. One of my primary purposes in life is to help my fellow human beings to make wiser choices and to experience the pleasures of life through understanding and practising the principles of personal management and development. Once I realized what I really wanted to do, I simply got started. I learned as much as I could about the subject, expanding my knowledge and understanding. As a result I spent five years of learning and enjoyment in putting this book together. It's amazing how results materialize when you know what you want and focus your energy and determination to achieve it.
Some of us think of our purpose in life at some point during our lifetime. Were we born for a purpose? What should we make of the rest of our life? Do we have an ongoing direction to follow which gives a sense of meaning to our life? What does our life mean? If you are asking these questions, you have embarked on the longest journey you have ever taken - the journey to find yourself. Many wise men and women have attempted to share their thoughts and beliefs on the meaning of life. Our souls are hungry for meaning. We want to live purposefully so that our sphere of influence will be at least a little bit better for our having passed through it. Most of us want to live so that our lives will mean something more than a brief flash of biological existence soon to disappear forever. We want to believe that we were born for something and that we are here to make a contribution. With the increasing demands made on us by ourselves and our environment, we tend to become so wrapped up in our different roles, responsibilities, labels and names that we don't make time to find out who we really are and what is our purpose.
It is good to examine our life, its meaning and purpose. I believe one will never know for certain one's true and real purpose in life and the meaning of one's existence on earth even if one analyzes oneself to death. The most we can expect is to be able to find some of the pieces of the puzzle which is the mystery of life. A purpose is an ongoing aspiration which gives meaning, direction, definition and fulfillment to our lives. What we are really living for could be simply to become the best we can in our journey through life. Each one of us brings our own meaning to the experience of life. Some people have great aspirations based on their values, principles and beliefs. They want to find fulfillment and happiness, to bring peace and harmony, to help others and to save the environment. Others want to convert people to their religion or to be of service to others. Yet others want to have wealth, power and fame by influencing and leading people, companies or even countries. There are many people whose purpose in life is the pursuit of success in its many forms: by climbing the social ladder; material wealth; business, professional or artistic accomplishments; good health; fulfilling relationships or by helping others. As an individual, you should seek within yourself what you think your primary purpose should be in your lifetime. You should know precisely what your major aim in life is. Your purpose in life may simply be to discover and experience the real you. Only you can answer how you want to live and who you want to become. Your values and beliefs establish your sense of purpose and influence the important choices you make about how to live your life.
Most of us follow the prevalent values and beliefs of our family, society, community, and environment without assessing and clarifying our own. Chances are you don't consciously think about your own values and beliefs. To get in touch with what matters most to you, I suggest you try the following exercise. You may want to add some supplementary questions that are meaningful to you.
Exercise No. 2:
To get in touch with what matters most to you, take time to consider these questions:
What are the most important things in your life?
What are your greatest strengths?
What are your best qualities?
What are the activities you enjoy most?
What are the values you cherish the most?
What are your dreams for the future?
For each of the questions above, go through your list of answers to identify the top five.
Now let your imagination create your dream life. What are the prominent values reflected in it? Imagine that you have a magic wand that will allow you to do any thing you want, what would you choose to do? What could you do for the rest of your life that would encompass most of the above?
These questions and mental exercises are very useful in focusing on what matters most to you. Dedicate yourself to the process of finding out who you are, what you want in life, and act on it. This introspection is the most important step toward self-actualization. Like many successful and effective people you probably aspire to live a fulfilled, happy and purposeful life. You may want to share your talents, knowledge and time with others in order to make the world a better place for all to enjoy. The search for your very own purpose should be based on the premise that you love and respect yourself and others and that you aspire to do something worthwhile, to make this world a better place.
Imagine you are going for a two week holiday in a new place you have never been. You certainly have a good idea of the purpose of your vacation. You will probably gather as much information about this place and read the material well in advance. You will get road maps, plan your routes and places of interest to visit, make a list of things to bring so as not to be caught unprepared. You probably have a very good idea what you want to do when you get there. However, if things are not as you expected you make the necessary changes and arrangements to make your holidays as pleasant as possible. A lot of people put more thought in planning a two week vacation than in planning their life journey. In fact most of us proceed through our lives without a map, destination and purpose. It is no wonder that so many people get lost, wonder where they are heading and complain about their lack of achievement in life. This does not make any sense because we all can develop our unique life plan to make it as fulfilling and as enjoyable as possible.
My father's purpose in life was to give his children access to the best education he could afford, to teach them to love and respect themselves and their fellow human beings, and to be honest and responsible. He tried to extend to everybody all the respect, understanding and kindness he could muster. He always let his actions speak for him. His purpose was to provide for his family. He did it by working very hard, always going the extra mile because he believed that hard work would always be rewarded sooner or later. Even when he went through hardship, he knew what he had to do and he stuck to his principles for guidance. My mother had a somewhat similar purpose with one important consideration. She put a lot more emphasis on human emotion, compassion and peace of mind. She taught me about honesty, courtesy, humility, forgiveness and courage, and how to take good care of my health. One of her main goals was to nurture her children so that they could be content, happy and in harmony with their own lives. A large number of the principles described in this book originate from my early teaching and nurturing I received from my parents.
My purpose in life is highly influenced by both my parents' values and principles but like yours it is unique and tailor-made by me. Each of us has our own destiny to fulfill. My father's first and foremost consideration was for his family. He was a shopkeeper and worked very hard and long hours for the benefit of the family. In his particular situation, he strongly believed in his action plan and that it was the right thing to do. I happen to believe that one should consider oneself first. One should learn to love and respect oneself before one can share the experience with others. I believe in living the days gifted to me gratefully with purpose, a positive attitude and healthy self-esteem.
My ultimate purpose in life is to become my best by fulfilling my potential. I realize that the extent of one's full potential is never absolutely known and is not something that one can measure. In an attempt to reach our potential we have to be aware of the issues that are important to us, our priorities and values. We have to be careful not to put unnecessary pressure and stress on ourselves by constantly striving and going all-out to become our best. We are not measuring ourselves against any standard or comparing ourselves with others. Becoming my best means to be willing to explore all avenues to improve myself, to love and to be loved, to learn and to teach, to give and to receive, to understand and to be understood. The study of the principles of personal management and development and my writing about them give me a great feeling of accomplishment, fulfillment and purpose.
We all have a choice in what we create and visualize in our minds. One of my primary purposes in life is to help my fellow human beings to make wiser choices and to experience the pleasures of life through understanding and practising the principles of personal management and development. Once I realized what I really wanted to do, I simply got started. I learned as much as I could about the subject, expanding my knowledge and understanding. As a result I spent five years of learning and enjoyment in putting this book together. It's amazing how results materialize when you know what you want and focus your energy and determination to achieve it.
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